If you’ve been following this blog (ye proud few), then you know I’ve been tackling this Depression thing as a full-time career. It’s pretty much The Big D every blogpost now, and hey, if the shoe fits… But I’m trying not to get too bogged down in the self-wallowed misery—at least not all of the time. Readers can only take so much complaining if there’s nothing rewarding about it in the end. So I’ll give you a reward. I hate to be immodest* or a braggart** but this reward could change your life, dare I say, the entire world?
I’ve not come by this thing lightly. It has become my obsession really. It’s a theory that I’ve tested over and over. I’m ready to declare it a law, call it Leonard’s First Law of Life. I’m envisioning scholars, students, and great thinkers testing this law and doing proofs, not unlike highschoolers doing a similar exercise in geometry. It will be taught by economists, philosophers, historians and scientists alike. Even as I type this I have another tab open to research the weather in Stockholm; it’s important to pack wisely when one goes to accept the Nobel Prize.
Well, enough teasing. It’s time for me to reveal my theorem. You might want to sit down with pen and paper so you can keep up with the intricacies of my law. Having an open page on your current device is also advisable, because you’re going to want to make this go viral. Without further ado, my dictum follows: Don’t be an asshole.
I’ll repeat it, because some may be stunned by the mind-blowing implications. Don’t be an asshole™. Yup. That’s it. You’re welcome. What’s that you say? Of course, you say? No shit, you say? (There’s no need for swears my dear reader). Too obvious, you say? Is it, though? Is it really? Look around. Everywhere you turn there are assholes. I’m typing this at an outdoor café next to a busy intersection, and believe me. Many, many assholes. Honking assholes. Impatient assholes. Driving while texting assholes. Blocking the intersection assholes.
No, really, if this is such an obvious life rule to follow, then why are there so many assholes around?? Now it has not escaped me that the problem could be me. You know the old saying: If you meet one asshole before breakfast, it’s probably just bad luck. Two assholes? Well then you’re having a bad day. If you meet three or more? My friend, YOU, are the asshole.
Seriously, though, it’s as if we as a society forgot all of those nice things we learned in kindergarten. All of the simple rules that make us kind, considerate human beings. Sure we can blame the times. We can blame the talking heads on the television. Most of all we can blame the internet which has spawned the most prolific outbreak of assholes our race has ever known. But while the numbers of assholes in society is at its peak, the intensity of assholery seems to be a constant throughout all ages of history. Assholes have always been present; they just have much better means of dissemination today, that’s all.
While I may sound tongue-in-cheek about my groundbreaking philosophy, please know that I’m actually quite earnest about it. This philosophy has served me well. And despite being a broken human being, my dictum, Don't Be An Asshole™ has served me very well. It has pulled me back from the literal ledge and given me reason to keep living. As opposed to the alternative.
In the coming posts I’ll reveal ways in which you too can strive to Not Be An Asshole. Some of the posts will be clearly satirical. Others as serious as a heart attack. Oh and don’t worry, I’ll keep throwing in many continued posts in the other series about Depression, the Crazy, doctors, and of course: Crazy, depressed doctors. So until then, be kind to yourself, stop and smell the roses, and most of all: DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE™.
* I am always immodest
** I love being a braggart